Eating Disorder Recovery During COVID-19
This is an unimaginably difficult time for so many, and one that will inevitably be talked about in History classes for generations to come. Whether you or a loved one is immunocompromised, whether you are experiencing financial struggles and uncertainty, whether your college experience has been cut short and you are forced to return to a “home” that no longer feels like or has never felt like home, or for an infinite number of different reasons, this unprecedented period of social distancing and isolation is strange and unfamiliar and irrevocably scary. I feel you. As if recovery was not already difficult enough, for those in recovery from eating disorders, with this global pandemic comes a whole new set of challenges and curve balls….
There is an enormous disruption in one’s daily routine and environment.
Maybe you suddenly find yourself removed from the college rhythm of meals on-campus. Maybe you are forced to be apart from your support system and are instead transported back into the very environment where your disordered eating first began, the reminders of a traumatic past and old, dysfunctional family dynamics still lingering in the air. Maybe now you have retreated back into your former habits of self-isolation, locking yourself all day in the very bedroom you used to run to in order to avoid meals and shelter your struggles from the judgement of outside onlookers. Maybe now your kitchen counter has replaced your desk, the nearby mounds of food in the pantry and fridge constantly in your head. Maybe you are now physically alone with so much spare time on your hands, your fingers subconsciously swiping down to refresh your Instagram feed, where you only seem to find messages of someone scared to gain the much-feared “Corona 15” and videos for at-home workouts. In any sense of the word, this situation is far from ideal.
Your patterns of social interaction change drastically.
People who you used to see everyday—friends, coworkers, peers, and mentors—may now be miles and miles away. If you live alone, your eating disorder could be over-the-moon ecstatic….now, there are fewer people to lie to! To hide from! Your disorder is free to manifest itself openly, for who is there to judge? If you live with your family, your eating disorder may feel threatened, and tension may arise as you attempt to hide your distorted thoughts and behaviors from your loved ones. In this second situation, if you are fortunate enough to have a family who loves and supports you, leaning on them and being honest about the ways in which your disorder is trying to infiltrate its way back into your life can transform a nightmare-like reality in which there is incessant screaming and fighting under the roof (and in which there is quite literally no escape) to an unexpected blessing in which you can finally free yourself from all the pain you have been bottling up inside.
Your eating and exercising patterns may inevitably change.
Being quarantined at home, you probably are not being as active/mobile as you once were, and with this more sedentary lifestyle, you may be tempted to think, “Well….I’m not moving as much as I once was, therefore I don’t need to eat as much as I was before.” I’m sorry to tell you, but that is a load of BS. It is your disorder trying to trick you, and you need to continue to nourish yourself to stay healthy. Regardless of whether you are exercising or not, your body is still working 24/7, and thus it needs fuel to function properly. And I want to tell you one thing you probably aren’t hearing a whole lot of right now, what with all the jokes on social media about becoming “ugly and fat” during quarantine: it is ok if you gain weight during quarantine. It is ok if your abs are not as defined or your muscles are not as toned as they were when this pandemic just began. What’s most important is that you are kind to yourself. Some days you may be feeling anxious or bored and want to bake as a means of relaxing….bake those brownies, and eat some too. In addition, with many restaurants closing and the shelves at grocery stores emptying quickly, you may not have access to your routine go-to snacks and meals. You may feel a great amount of discomfort veering from your regular meal plan, but perhaps this can be a time where you can slowly begin to expand your food intake to include those items previously labelled as “fear foods.”
You are uniquely forced to take it day by day, for the future is uncertain to all.
No one knows the life course of COVID-19 or how this pandemic is going to play out in the coming weeks or maybe months. There are speculations, but they are just that—speculations. For me, this fourth point has proven to be the most challenging. The unknowns that keep piling on in this time of crisis signify a period of heightened stress for everyone, but for people with eating disorders who are characteristically known to be rigid and have difficulties with flexibility, this stress can seem insurmountable. For me, my summer plans to intern in India have been cancelled for the second year in a row, and what is killing me is that I cannot even plan an alternative summer experience, for now truly is just the now….in this tumultuous landscape, planning is futile. Moreover, I don’t even know what continent I will be living in during the fall semester, depending on whether or not my study abroad program will still run. And I know, others are facing much greater uncertainties….Perhaps you don’t know whether you will have a job when all of this is over. Perhaps you don’t know if you will remain healthy after all of this, for those who are malnourished tend to be immunocompromised. Perhaps you don’t know how long you can continue going on without a steady income coming in. Whatever the case, there are so many things right now that are out of our control, and because of that, we may be tempted to look for control in other aspects of our lives….yes, I’m talking about attempting to control (or what we perceive as control) our food intake. Eating disorders thrive on uncertainty, on tricking us into feeling a false sense of control when everything else around us seems to be crumbling to the ground. In reality, this “control” we think we are achieving through unhealthy coping skills such as restriction is us becoming mere puppets in our own lives.
Yes, clearly there are a lot of unique challenges that come with trying to recover in an unprecedented time such as this. Should we just give up, collapse into ourselves like how everything else in society seems to be collapsing? No, hope is far from lost, and we must remember that this is only temporary. This too shall end, and if we take the time now to focus on ourselves and our mental and physical well-being, when quarantine is finally over, we can emerge stronger than we previously thought ourselves capable of. Here are some tips & tricks to maintaining recovery during the age of COVID-19 that I have found helpful (or that I hope to put into practice myself as I continue along on my recovery process):
Be open and vulnerable about how you are feeling.
Just because people may be worse off than you or because everything seems so insignificant and silly in the shadows of the infinity that is coronavirus, that doesn’t mean your feelings and struggles are invalid. They deserve to be expressed, to be given a voice. If you are scared of gaining weight, say it out loud. If you are struggling, say it out loud. If you feel triggered by those around you constantly talking about quarantine exercise regimens, say it out loud. If you allow yourself to openly share these feelings, they no longer hold the power over you that they would if you let them incubate in silence.
Be kind to yourself and to others.
This one is so important. Since we have been sent home from college, the Duke community has been going through a particularly difficult time, for we have lost fellow students to suicide. In times such as these, people are often in need of extra support and encouragement. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is especially now to remind others and yourself that you appreciate them and that they are loved. Even if it’s something as simple as sending someone a quick check-in text or scheduling a call, your words can have a greater, more meaningful impact than you may think. With that being said, don’t forget to practice self-love and self-care as well. Be patient with yourself, and acknowledge that you too are worthy and deserving of love.
Create a routine.
Structure is important, especially in recovery. If it feels like the days are melding together, like each day is an endless continuation of the one before it, try to come up with a game plan. For me, writing down all my tasks and creating a schedule has helped me maintain some sense of normalcy and control in a highly abnormal situation. In addition, planning your meals ahead of time can be a helpful way to alleviate stress and ensure that you are making time to properly nourish yourself. If you know what to expect before sitting at the dinner table, you can offload the burden of having to decide what to eat right then and there. Planning time for self-care and to participate in activities for enjoyment (such as coloring, reading, baking, playing an instrument, etc.) is crucial towards remaining satisfied emotionally. What helps me maintain some sense of consistency is waking up at the same time everyday, and with that, going to sleep at around the same time each night. Getting enough rest is so important and will help you be more productive during the day!
Reach out to others for support and avoid self-isolation.
If you are at home with your family for the first time in awhile, keep them in the loop as to how you are doing. Instead of having meals alone all the time, which may feel more comfortable, challenge yourself to eat with the rest of your family. I know this is something that I need to keep working on. As eating disorders blossom in environments of isolation, now more than ever, try to remain connected to your support system. We are fortunate to live in a digital age where we can easily connect to people all around the world….take advantage of Zoom or FaceTime as a means to interact with friends and family members who may not be physically near you. Maybe even schedule a virtual meal with a friend so that you are not always alone when you eat. In addition, if you have been putting off seeking professional help because of other academic/work-related obligations, now is a good time to seek help given the increased free time. Many treatment centers, dietitians, therapists, and psychiatrists are offering services virtually via telehealth. There are also virtual support groups you can join. Click here to access a centralized pool of virtual recovery resources compiled by NEDA.
Focus on the positive.
With all the tragedy occurring in the world right now due to coronavirus, it can be easy to fall into a never-ending cycle of negativity. Pause, take a deep breath, turn the news off, and remember that this too shall pass. Take time each day to practice gratitude and acknowledge what you do have instead of all that has been lost. Try to find unexpected beauty amidst the chaos. If you have a job, be thankful for that. If you don’t, be thankful for those that will be there to support you nevertheless. The negativity may be what meets the eye first, but buried underneath all that negativity, there still exists hope. It is that hope which is what we must hold onto.
Cultivate new, healthy coping skills.
Now is a great time to explore new hobbies or reconnect with old ones. This includes but is not limited to: learning a new language, reading books, starting to write your own book, cooking/baking, playing an instrument, singing, dancing, watching/making TikTok videos (!!), making your own website, painting….the list goes on and on. Not only is this a great, enjoyable way to pass the time, but in the future when you are feeling stressed, you will be armed with new coping skills accessible for your use so that you do not turn to the unhealthy ones that have wreaked havoc and pain onto your life.
In essence, quarantine poses new challenges on a process that in the best of circumstances is already unimaginably difficult—recovery. However, instead of viewing these new challenges as impossibly high mountains that are impassable, we can reframe them as a means to express our inner strength and show both ourselves and the world just how well we can climb. In the end, recovery is still possible. It will be hard, yes, but it is attainable. And on that note, please know that even if it may not seem like it, you are loved, you are cared about, and you have people out there ready to support you. Feel free to always reach out to me if you need anyone to talk to, or you can contact the NEDA helpline at (800) 931-2237. :)